Sometimes, I've sat down and just thought about my life. And you know what? It seems that I've wasted a lot of time. Our lives don't last forever, and the people around us aren't immortal. I've learnt what it feels like to have lost loved ones. Instead of dealing well with their deaths, I've become more and more inhumane, and it scares me. I know that nothing can be changed, and that's why I'm just going to try help others. I guess in a way, I've grown up.

Love

Do you know how it feels like to have loved or be loved? I don't know why but it seems so beautiful. Call me young enough to not know true love, but who is to judge what is true love? In all honesty, I've lost someone very special to me because of my stupidity. I knew it then that I cared a lot for her, and I guess I still do. After a while, something happened to me, and I kinda screwed up. I backed off, and I didn't talk to her for a very long time. I guess I was just to scared to face my inner demons and the truth. That she meant more to me than anything else. When I started talking to her, I did it with poetry. I still couldn't bring myself to talk to her, and I did the best thing I could do. Write. After a while, we got back on talking terms but we both knew that something was lost. During that period of time, I seriously think that I was the most screwed up shit in the world. My heart felt truely frozen, and I just couldn't feel any emotions. It was just living inside a shell, and denying myself my humanity. And that sucked. And that's why I turned to becoming a player. I just didn't want to feel the hurt and pain that comes with love. Imagine getting a girlfriend after meeting the girl for only two nights. I did that, and it was fun while it lasted, but finally one day, I decided to just stop being a stupid ass and just get on with my life. It sounds hard to do, but it took a long time, and I finally did it. I stopped all that cheap shit, and forgot about girls for a while. Till that one day. Before meeting her, I never knew any girl my age as responsible, mature, and as wonderful as her. We got on really well, and I finally knew. There was just one problem. She had pretty bad experiences with men, and she decided that she didn't want to commit herself to another relationship. I couldn't blame her for that. After all, a lot of men are egotistical, arrogant bastards. And I guess she knew. Someone told me to go for her, yet I knew of its implications. And I made my choice. Somehow, I never thought of her as the babe that everyone called her. I thought of her as a wonderful human being, someone I could express my thoughts freely to, and someone worth her weight in gold. Leibnitz once said that everything was for the best in this best of all possible worlds. And if it is, I can only wish her well and joy in her undertakings, with the hope that I may one day find inner peace.